‘Darth Vader vs Testicular Cancer’ by Mike Carson

A Newsworthy Challenge

From Pulp Literature Issue 46, find an excerpt of Mike Carson‘s ‘Darth Vader vs Testicular Cancer’, selected as the second runner-up in the 2024 Jack Whyte Storyteller Award at the Surrey International Writers’ Conference. And keep an eye out for the winning story, also by Mike Carson, in our upcoming Autumn issue!

Darth Vader vs Testicular Cancer

by Mike Carson

Harry Bonner knelt beside the neatly made bed. “Dear Lord,” he said, “please give me the strength to guide these young people away from the darkness and into the light.” He raised his head, looking past his shelf of Star Wars collectibles, to meet the sad-eyed gaze of Jesus staring at him from the crucifix above. “Or at least stop them from using their idle hands to vandalize the school with obscene graffiti.” He stood and straightened his tie in the mirror. There were some other issues too, but the Heavenly Father, he was sure, had seen his suffering. If the Lord wept at the fall of a sparrow, what must He have done when he’d witnessed Harry trying to scrub a crudely drawn penis off the wall in the boys’ bathroom? Yes, there had been some rough patches in his first weeks as vice-principal, but, having engaged the devil in battle, Harry was not about to back away from the fight.

“Amen,” he said.

Downstairs, Harry kissed his wife on the back of her neck as she stood at the counter. Meg turned towards him. “Honey,” she said, brushing a piece of lint from Harry’s collar, “don’t let the bastards grind you down.”

Six blocks away, Harry paused, briefcase in hand, just outside the gates of Lord Melbourne Secondary School. It was still early, and the campus was calm. He looked back wistfully across the street at FM Rogers Elementary, where he had taught Grade 6 for nine years. Though he hadn’t appreciated it at the time, they had been the best years of his life. What happened over the summer after elementary school, he wondered, that turned happy kids into angst-ridden monsters? Perhaps it was high school itself, collecting and assimilating children like some massive Borg ship and turning them into passionless, cell phone–addicted cyborgs. Harry shook his head. He had to keep things in perspective. Of the nearly 1,700 students who attended Melbourne, most were reasonable albeit unenthusiastic students. In the two months he had been there, Harry found ninety percent of his time was spent dealing with the same small group of incorrigibles.

Then there was Dylan Bain. In that recidivist ten percent of miscreants, Dylan was a category of his own. The boy spent more time in the office than the principal did. Frequently, as Dylan sat in detention spitting bits of paper at the supervisor or watching inappropriate videos on his phone, Harry had wanted to check the boy’s scalp for the mark of the beast. It was in those times of tribulation that Harry prayed for patience. After all, was it not for the sake of young people like Dylan that God had sent him here?

Find the full story in Pulp Literature Issue 46, Spring 2025

‘Darth Vader vs Testicular Cancer’ was chosen by Diana Gabaldon and Donald Maass as second runner-up in the 2024 Jack Whyte Storyteller Award at the Surrey International Writers’ Conference. This is the eighth SiWC placing for Mike Carson, and you will be able to see his winning story, ‘M4R1NR’, in our upcoming Autumn issue. You can find his previous runners-up, ‘Andouille’ and ‘Deep Water,’ in Issue 38, Spring 2023, and Issue 26, Spring 2020, respectively. Mike lives in Kamloops, BC with his wife, his sons, and a small surly dog.